The quality of our life is determined by the quality of the questions we ask. 

In my work as a relationship coach, a crucial component is understanding my clients’ relational blueprint. Meaning – the download from the family of origin about what relationship means and how to operate within one. 

We learn this young, within the first 10 years of our life. Some people grow up and learn that to be okay within their family constellation, they must perform in order to get love; get good grades, behave in school and do their chores. Love and connection is taken away if any of the family values are compromised. For others, they may have a parent the family orbits around. The family can orbit around the needs of mom or dad for example. Keep mom happy, keep dad happy, don’t rock the boat, fly under the radar and stay out of trouble. For others who experienced neglectful parents or caretakers who were not attuned to them, they must act out or get big to get attention. 

As we grow up, there are appropriate development questions we ask ourselves as kids. The problem is, we get stuck still LIVING these antiquated questions as adults. We likely don’t even know we are doing it. For example, it is entirely appropriate for a child to ask:

How can I get love? 

How do I act in a way that keeps me in good standing with my family?

How do I gain the love and support of mom and dad?

How can I avoid being in trouble?  

Now, Imagine living these questions as a 35 year old man in a committed relationship. Feels a bit different. These are no longer quality questions. These are no longer adult questions, and will not produce a healthy adult outcome. One can  unconsciously live the question – how do I keep the approval of my partner? What might be the consequences?

Well for one, I could avoid telling a hard truth. I might act in a way that I believe they would approve of, but a way that would compromise my desires and wants.  I’d likely live this relationship in a state of fear. Walking on eggshells and thinking that any misstep and I might lose my love. My partner now functions as a parent. My partner might no longer trust myself. If they couldn’t trust me to follow my internal guidance but instead make decisions around their approval, I will lose trust in myself and my partner will lose trust in me. 

Now for a better question. 

How can this relationship support our mutual self-expression? Feel the difference?

This one is way more empowering, and guides us towards better outcomes. If we walk into a relationship with the idea that it’s important and vital to the health of the relationship to express  our opinions, needs, inspirations and truths, we are much more likly to create that kind of connection. Or, at least, know when that connection isn’t possible. 

It’s worth taking the time to examine what question we are LIVING in our relationships. Categorically, we are all  living questions that are too small for us. We are living out of an outdated relational blueprint. If we keep coming up against the same patterns; a string of short-term relationships that end in pain, feeling controlled by our partner or feeling like we’re getting the short end of the stick romantically, there ts a strong possibility we’re living outdated questions. 

This is where coaching can help. Through the coaching relationship these patterns are allowed to gently emerge, with both the exploration and curiosity of the client and coach. Once you can identify the blueprint you’re living from, you now have the power to change it. It isn’t easy, but it isn’t hard either. It just takes a little courage and curiosity. Coaching can save an incredible amount of time in this regard because, working  eye(coach) is much faster than trying to do it yourself.