I spent a whole lot of time living my life around not feeling. There were certain feeling states that I avoided at all costs. Ironically, setting my life up to avoid certain emotions kept me trapped in a cycle of repeating them. 

For example, the feeling of disappointing others was unbearable. To feel like I had let someone down would steep me in a world of self-accusation, recrimination and shame. So, in order to relieve myself from this experience, my strategy was to people please, over-commit, and live a life in which I met the expectation of others. Inwardly, I felt resentful, angry and victimized by the perceived wants and expectations of my parents, friends and romantic partners. Because I was unwilling to stay with my emotional experience of disappointing other people, I had created a suffocating atmosphere in which I felt like a hostage. I felt deeply passive and forced to comply. I blamed other people for what they wanted of me, completely oblivious to the fact that I actually had choice and options for how I could handle situations. 

In a strange twist of fate, by constantly pleasing others and feeling very little power in my own relational world, I felt shameful, powerless and self-judgmental, a parallel experience of disappointing others. In truth, I was disappointing myself. So, now I was stuck. Disappoint myself or disappoint others. Two shitty choices. Be in conflict with others, or be in conflict with myself. 

I am very good at being in conflict with myself. In fact, its how I know me. To be me, is to be in some sort of internal conflict, it felt familiar, comforting, the water I swam in. To be in conflict with others felt terrifying, unsafe and unsettling. Because I was unwilling to sit with the feelings that came along with disappointing others, I had to live a life that revolved around not doing that, which was a different form of torture, and as stated above, those same feeling came in through the back door. I was so new to sitting with my emotions that I came to fear them deeply. The keys to the kingdom I learned were  sitting with feelings. If I was willing to feel them, I didn’t have to avoid them. And now, I had options. 

I learned that the fear of the feeling was worst than the feeling itself. Several years ago, I was deeply conflicted about leading a wilderness trip. I had recently broke-up with an ex, and the trip had been planned several months earlier. She was still eager to go, and thought it was ridiculous to cancel it. Furthermore, I had a list of mutual friends that were also eager for the 10-day excursion.  As the single permit-holder, I had to go, or else the entire trip would be cancelled. I knew in my gut that I didn’t feel comfortable putting myself in that position. I feel completely trapped. On one hand, go on the trip, and compromise my wants. On the other, cancel the trip and disappoint everyone involved. I agonized for days, vacillated between options, feeling angry, victimized, and in a no-win situation. I would either have to be in conflict with myself, or disappoint others. 

Through the help of a supportive coach, I took a risk and cancelled the trip. I called each person individually to tell them of my decision. Completely terrifying for me. I had to face my fear of what I had been avoiding. What I found was that I could handle it. If I sat, connected to my breath and felt the physical and emotional experience, well hell, it wasn’t that bad, completely tolerable. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t hell either. In the past I would have went forward with the trip, feeling powerless, angry, resentful and fearful, which would have been way worse!

I felt proud of myself for having my back and the freedom of knowing that I don’t have to be controlled by my fear of emotions. It saved me from internal conflict, and I learned that it’s safe to disappoint others. I can handle it. 

A new world of possibility emerged.  I no longer felt trapped by other people, I felt more agency from this simple experience. Now, when faced with a hard decision, I have the courage to do what’s right for me, instead of being influenced by what I was unwilling to feel.